One Harmless Episode

One harmless episode, you say to yourself. Just one. It can’t hurt anything.

You click play and forget your life for that brief forty-five minutes. You forget about the demanding deadlines that nag at the back of your mind. You let go of your worries about keeping up with responsibilities. You relax for what feels like the first time in forever.

Then the episode ends. You have to know what’s next, but dare you also just want to escape for another too small swatch of time? Dare you quiet the drowning stress with the numbing effect of another world? Dare you push away all the unpleasant feelings for one more hit of this safe drug?

Your finger hovers over clicking that beautiful button that leads to excitement. Conflict rages in your stomach, making you feel ill. Sweat breaks out and anxiety is tickling at the edges of your mind.

You know you should stop. You know you don’t have time for this. You know this will lead to your failure. You know people are counting on you. You know you’ll never get out if you go again.

But you press it anyways.

You push all your raging thoughts aside and tunnel into this other world with characters that are leading amazing lives. You travel on grand adventures and become the hero. You solve crimes and save lives. You fall in love and make mistakes that end in heartbreak. You have abilities that aren’t physically possible and you make the most of them. You do all this without having ever done anything.

Then it’s over again and everything comes crashing down on you. Deadlines are minutes away. Time is running out. Life is living without you.

So you go back to the haven that you think is your refuge, but it’s just a hole you’ve dug yourself into. You know what you’re doing, but you can’t stop. It feels safer in there.

You burry yourself alive, but you keep up with the delusion that you’re only doing it for the show. You make yourself believe that the story is what matters. You have to know how it ends.

The cycle continues until you have to emerge from this place that you’ve become accustomed to. Things you can’t get out of force you to come up for oxygen, but it’s a hard climb to the top when this hole you’ve been living in has just gotten deeper with each passing minute.

When you finally get back to life and fall into the routine, you finally remember what actual breathing feels like. You taste freedom from the debilitating load of procrastination and you come alive.

But the temptation to fall in love with another story is just too much and you start an episode with the deranged mantra that you’ll be able to stop after just one this time. You fall right back into that hole, but with arms spread wide, fully embracing it. You tumble with eye wide open and almost enjoy the plunge.