My Week So Far

I know I have been especially quiet this week. I had a very big weekend over Valentine’s day, where my best friend got married. It was so much fun to go see my childhood friend and visit the city I once lived.

Maybe it’s the traveling and being constantly around people that has caused me to be mentally exhausted this week. I can feel the familiar apathy creeping back into my mind and whispering sweet lies.

Maybe my inconsistency in taking my thyroid medication has cause these oppressive feelings. The feelings of lethargy are making themselves know again.

This just means that I’ve had a particularly long week and have experienced long sprees of binge-watching TV.

So, all in all, I will be posting more soon, but probably after this week is over.

Quitting

I have a loyal streak a mile long. That means, when it comes to quitting something, everything in me vehemently protests at the mere thought.

I’m also as stubborn as a mull. If I made a decision about something I’m going to stick with it, even if it kills me!

But over the past few years, I’ve had to quit way more things than I thought I could stomach. In high school, this quitting streak seemed to have begun and just about every year I have had to give up something big. It started with moving out of an AP class sophomore year, then the next year I removed myself from a club I’d created, then breaking my promise to go to prom with my friends, then in my college years… Where do I even begin?

Needless to say, I’ve had to give up my fair share of things and, let me tell you, letting go stinks. Every time I had to loosen my grasp of something, it felt like I had to rip a part of myself out and just flippantly toss it away, but I wanted to scream and rave instead.

Standing at the end of all these things, I’m starting to see why I needed to give up some of them. For instance, I needed to let go of the stubborn pride that made me believe I was supposed to major in Mechanical Engineering or Computer Science. I’m better for giving those up, but some of the other decisions to quit things near destroyed me.

With all of those difficult times, I can only say that life is hard. Sometimes things are ripped from you and sometimes you have to release them. The things that happen don’t always make sense and sometimes they never will, but they shape who we are.

Even though quitting all those things chipped away at me, I wouldn’t change even one of them. They made me who I am today and shaped the life I now lead.

Words I Needed to Hear

Life can be overwhelming at times.

I’m at the point where I have to make some big decisions and I have no earthly idea how to make them. Recently, I’m having to make a decision about one of my classes: If I should drop it or not.

Suffice it to say, there is a very real potential that I could fail this class based solely on attendance (miss three classes and you fail). Both of the times I missed class, it was because of abnormal traffic chaos.

I mention this for the reason that my indecision is pressing down on me. Typically, I’m a super decisive person, so times like this make me crazy with stress.

There are pros and cons to both sides of the issue I’m currently facing, but I honestly don’t know the right choice.

Thursday night, I began to pray about it. I asked God to show me something - anything, so I brought up my Bible app and started looking at the ‘verse of the day.’

This is the verse that popped up for Wednesday, February the 4th:

Philippians 4: 6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

That definitely wasn’t what I was expecting God to show me, but the verse stole my attention and latched onto my heart. So often I’ve stressed about big decisions or even just small things and I always forget to just give it all to God. I forget to reach out to Him: He who holds my life and future in his caring hands.

I’ve let my wish to control everything dominate and I’ve slowly pushed Him out of my decisions. Normally, I would send up a quick prayer for direction and then plunge head-first into something without stopping to let God have a say.

When I read those words, they were a balm to my soul. My current dilemma is in his hands, where it rightly should be.

Author Excitement

About a year ago, I decided to join the Twitter band-wagon. At first, I thought Twitter was a Facebook knock-off that just had less pictures, but I’ve since realized that it actually can help connect you with people in a different way that Facebook can. Famous people post and interact with their fans much easier through this platform and this caused me to actually say something to my favorite author, MaryLu Tyndall.

It started out as just a comment on another person’s tweet that gave me the courage to tag MaryLu Tyndall because I was talking about my favorite book of 2014, which was her book: Tears of the Sea.

Quick Side note: If you love pirates, mermaids, and adventure you really need to check out her book. http://amzn.to/1KjlpKT Seriously, go read it.

Not thinking she would even respond to my tweet, I was pleasantly surprised when she did. After I sent her one more tweet telling her that I loved all her books this is what she sent back:

@smrsis248 :-) You put a huge smile on my face. Thank you!
— MaryLu Tyndall (@MaryLuTyndall) February 4, 2015

I can’t even begin to explain what this tweet meant to me, but it reminded me just how much everyone forgets that authors, actors, musicians, etc. are people like us. Many times in the past, people have told me I should email authors and tell them how much their books meant to me, but I thought, “why would an author care what nobody me would think?”

That’s such a terrible attitude! Now that I’m beginning the journey towards becoming a writer, I am starting to realize just how great it feels to hear input, especially the good. I know in the future, after I actually publish something, it would be a huge honor to know I touched someone’s life in even the smallest way.

However, that thought is also terrifying. What I write can affect people and I pray every day that God gives me the words he wants me to write because I don’t want to hurt anyone or cause anyone to stumble based on my stories. Words can be powerful and I don’t want to wield them carelessly.

An amazing example of writing for God is MaryLu Tyndall. Her writing is beautiful and she always has such a great message interwoven in her books. On her blog, Cross and Cutlass, she shares her faith and I’ve felt like I’ve learned so much from her.

That’s all I really have to say for today, but don’t forget to look MaryLu Tyndall up!

For The Church

At Winter Camp (the four day camp sponsored by the campus ministry, FOCUS) they read an anonymous letter to the church. You can find it here:

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/08/what-the-church-christians-need-to-know-about-suicide-mental-health/

Please read this letter. It’s exceptionally well put and says everything in an amazing way.

I mention this letter because it brought me back to a time where I intimately knew that enemy named, Depression. Sure, I had something medically wrong with me that caused me to plunge to this low, but it didn’t lessen its effects.

I’ve had my brush with suicidal thoughts, nothing serious, but during that time in my life, I had no desire to live. Like this person said in their letter, it isn’t about death being appealing, but life was agonizing.

When I went through this terrible time, I tried confiding in a fellow friend. I don’t want to name names or even give a gender because I don’t want to call them out, but I think my story needs to be written.

This friend was in the church with me and I felt like they brushed off my troubles once I’d revealed them. I felt so betrayed. This person, who called themself a follower of Christ just seemed to act like my life falling apart wasn’t the hugest deal.

Maybe they just didn’t know how to comfort me. Maybe I failed in revealing the severity of my plight. I won’t say that they are a terrible person by how they handled the situation, but they didn’t handle it right.

Naturally, I am a person who struggles with revealing too much of myself to people. I once had such a close friend and circumstances dictated the slow death of that friendship. The pain of that loss forever changed me to be this person that hesitates before bearing my heart.

I’ve grown so much in this area, but when I tried letting someone into the pain in my world, they just made me want to shut down and I did. That person made me isolate myself in the time that I needed the most support.

I was crushed that this follower of Christ could do what they did.

So, I write all this because the church needs to be careful of their actions. They need to do what this letter says and do more than just hand out meaningless platitudes. They need to accept others' burdens if that person deems them worthy of such an important position and they need to not brush it off or give unwanted advice.

If you haven’t been through the war that depression brings, then shut your mouth and just listen to those of us who need you to be there for us in these hard times. You will only alienate those in need if you act on your pride or ignorance and try to tell us anything. Just give us a shoulder for our hardship.

I may sound harsh, but I can’t stress any of this enough. During my time of deep depression, I couldn’t stand to be involved in the Body because of this one person. My faith suffered and I felt so close to giving it all up.

Don’t be the person that hurts those already at the brink of ending their suffering. Be the person who reached their hand out to save those from the edge of the plunge.